Lab coat envy

By Ken Mikkelsen

It is one of the great ironies that philosophers are scrambling to get their vocation considered as science in the eyes of its onlookers.

What can you actually do? Is one of the common questions. Aside from playing with words or pondering obscure riddles, one handed claps and noiseless trees– what does a philosopher do?

On their side, the philosopher appears to insist– no, what I do is important and relevant. It is about truth. It is about metaphysics, about ethics, about right and wrong. And look. I know difficult words and can read difficult texts. Also, I’m a devil at debating definition– meaning, semantics, extensions. These are surely useful skills! I am good at thinking!

Thinking about what? Once out in the real world the philosopher shudders at the thought of real employment. It sure is a good thing Starbucks is finally coming to Oslo, because society surely knows which side of the counter they expect to find students of philosophy.

Even the teachers of Marcus Aurelius, the great Philosopher-King of the Roman empire, tried to warn their wayward student of the dangers of philosophy. A useless trade, one not suited for a man of noble birth, meant for greater things. Of course in his time, philosophy, meant scientist.

The scientists of today get to wear the holy lab coat, the heraldry of the modern seekers of knowledge– a symbol of intellect, success, and progress.

Philosophy is sometimes spoken of as the midwife of the sciences. At one time useful, but today, woefully outdated. Like alchemy, robe and funny hat, is to chemistry, nice clean lab coat. One a measurement of superstition and magic incantations, the other, a useful contribution to the greater pool of human knowledge, a science.

Many great thinkers were philosophers, even if they didn’t explicitly identify with any school of thought. Einstein, Newton and Darwin. But philosophy isn’t what society remember them for.

Many great thinkers identified strongly as philosophers, founding new branches of science and being architects of progress– but studying philosophy with the aim of becoming a famous writer, is like studying music with the hope of becoming a rock star. A long shot indeed.

So whats the point? What can you actually do? Where is your uniform? Why isn’t it a nice clean labcoat?

So I write hyperbolic bullshit. Not every philosopher yearns for a lab coat. Philosophers study meaning and matter, and are uniquely equipped to consider who they are, or failing that, knowing that they don’t know who they are, either which are sources of identity and resolve. Yet this text contains the shadow of a truth.

There is the danger that a student of philosophy becomes an expert at philosophology — an expert at philosophers, but not philosophy as an activity. A philosophologue is a historian with a narrow focus. A philosopher is a problem-crunching-machine. Espresso odd tasting? Increase waterpressure. Button jammed? Reset machine. No clean cups? Collect and clean cups.

I kid. I know nothing of being a barista.

Ken

• philosophy